Happy New Year

I hope the year 2010 brings joy and happiness to everyone out there. *Happy New Year*

I did not make any new year's resolution because I never accomplish them. 

It seems what happened 2 years ago is jinxing every new year. I don't know why but something bad always happen on new year. I... have a strong aversion toward new years. As I have said, uncertainty is what I fear most. I need to feel secure all the time. I won't do anything risky, neither would I go places I am uncertain of. I would rather go a big circle than learn a new shortcut.

But, this year... I might have to take a risk. To depend on my own instincts. Why? Because it seems that what Max said 2 years ago does not apply anymore.

He said :-

1. Don't like you talking/SMS-ing other guy friends.

2. Don't want you going out with guy friends.

3. Don't want you going out at all.

4. Don't like you spending more time with your friends than with me.

But now, he says :-

1. Make more friends, does not matter if they are guys.

2. Have a normal life, go out with friends. I will be happy if you are.

Maybe I am some over-demanding paranoid crazy psycho girlfriend, but I feel like I have already lost him. Well, maybe half of him. Because if he suddenly did not mind me going out with guys, it feels like he does not care anymore. Or maybe he had already gotten close to other girls. I don't know. But it does not feel like it is him anymore. Heck! He does not even smell like him anymore.

After crying the whole night, thinking whether I should just break up with him. Not wanting to be put through the same nightmare again. Not wanting to deal with psycho girls anymore. So many things were on my mind. Besides, if we broke up, he can flirt with whoever and whatever he want. He even admitted he was flirting in the university, ok? How would any girl in her right mind feel secure with that? It sucks la. Maybe I should do the same. But I could never bring myself to it. I can't. I couldn't.

It feels...I feel...so sad, I could not even speak. Because if I did, tears would flow uncontrollably.

No doubt, he is straightforward and honest. But the truth hurts. Stings straight right through the heart. Maybe I was overreacting wanting him to change, like I did. Guys will always be guys... Same. No different. Not even Max. Maybe, I should be as cool, as strong as a pearl. Not caring about anything anymore. Me for myself. Be as selfish and realistic as some girls I have met.

Never will I ever place someone above me ever again. NEVER.

But, you know what?

I can't. Maybe because I am too stupid.

Maybe because...

I love him.

So, what happens now? Honestly, I do not know. I'll let Him decide for me.

**********

UPDATE :

Guess what? Max's defition of flirt is "talking to the opposite sex". But according to the dictionary of compact Oxford english, flirt is defined as behave playfully in a sexually enticing manner"... I am... *speechless*...

Uber happy but...really...speechless... =______=