Freedom

Honestly, freedom is a luxury. Especially when you are in a relationship. But then again, how much freedom are we entitled to?

When we were younger, we had no freedom because our parents protected us like a precious treasure. Putting a force-field shield around us. We could only move around in certain perimeters.

Later, when we were growing up to be adolescent, we were granted a little freedom. We get to attend school, make more friends and go to malls. But then again, it is within certain perimeters.

What is LITTLE freedom? What is a lot? How much is a lot enough to satisfy your need to be free?

BUT!

Did you know that asking for freedom is asking to be cared less?

When we had no freedom, it is because our parents cared so much for us, thus having built those shield around us. When we had a little freedom, our parents had to care less, to let us learn our own mistakes, to let us grow on our own, thus, we had less care.

THE POINT IS : When you ask for freedom, freedom is what you get. But you will lose the care of the one you love. Slowly...but surely... Because as time goes, the person will no longer care for you, for that is truly granting you TOTAL freedom.

So, if it was you, what would you have chosen?

TO BE CARED FOR or TO BE FREE?

If you want to be free, there is no point being in a relationship. Do not make commitments. Because that is what some people call "an open relationship" which is equivalent to being friends with some "advantages".

Happy New Year

I hope the year 2010 brings joy and happiness to everyone out there. *Happy New Year*

I did not make any new year's resolution because I never accomplish them. 

It seems what happened 2 years ago is jinxing every new year. I don't know why but something bad always happen on new year. I... have a strong aversion toward new years. As I have said, uncertainty is what I fear most. I need to feel secure all the time. I won't do anything risky, neither would I go places I am uncertain of. I would rather go a big circle than learn a new shortcut.

But, this year... I might have to take a risk. To depend on my own instincts. Why? Because it seems that what Max said 2 years ago does not apply anymore.

He said :-

1. Don't like you talking/SMS-ing other guy friends.

2. Don't want you going out with guy friends.

3. Don't want you going out at all.

4. Don't like you spending more time with your friends than with me.

But now, he says :-

1. Make more friends, does not matter if they are guys.

2. Have a normal life, go out with friends. I will be happy if you are.

Maybe I am some over-demanding paranoid crazy psycho girlfriend, but I feel like I have already lost him. Well, maybe half of him. Because if he suddenly did not mind me going out with guys, it feels like he does not care anymore. Or maybe he had already gotten close to other girls. I don't know. But it does not feel like it is him anymore. Heck! He does not even smell like him anymore.

After crying the whole night, thinking whether I should just break up with him. Not wanting to be put through the same nightmare again. Not wanting to deal with psycho girls anymore. So many things were on my mind. Besides, if we broke up, he can flirt with whoever and whatever he want. He even admitted he was flirting in the university, ok? How would any girl in her right mind feel secure with that? It sucks la. Maybe I should do the same. But I could never bring myself to it. I can't. I couldn't.

It feels...I feel...so sad, I could not even speak. Because if I did, tears would flow uncontrollably.

No doubt, he is straightforward and honest. But the truth hurts. Stings straight right through the heart. Maybe I was overreacting wanting him to change, like I did. Guys will always be guys... Same. No different. Not even Max. Maybe, I should be as cool, as strong as a pearl. Not caring about anything anymore. Me for myself. Be as selfish and realistic as some girls I have met.

Never will I ever place someone above me ever again. NEVER.

But, you know what?

I can't. Maybe because I am too stupid.

Maybe because...

I love him.

So, what happens now? Honestly, I do not know. I'll let Him decide for me.

**********

UPDATE :

Guess what? Max's defition of flirt is "talking to the opposite sex". But according to the dictionary of compact Oxford english, flirt is defined as behave playfully in a sexually enticing manner"... I am... *speechless*...

Uber happy but...really...speechless... =______=

Grateful

I read Xiaxue's "THE Love Story" few days ago. If you have read her older entries, you might think she is just some blonde bimbo. But I have always thought she is the smartest female blogger around, honest and true to her opinions(she does sound bimbotic at times because she does it on purpose lah). But I have never thought that she could be so REAL, so generous in love.

She and Mike had a long distance relationship for about 2 years before Mike went across the globe to be near her. A real life fairytale. She was with Mike when he had absolutely nothing, when he was just a student. She took a risk being with him. I am so happy that they are finally getting married. I love happy endings. {You must read her story, it is really very touching}

***************

After reading her entry, I felt so grateful. Because the distance of 150 kilometres suddenly feels... so... short. I am so grateful that I am only 6 hours away from him, and I don't have to take a plane to be next to him.

Today, on 23rd December 2009, is our second year anniversary. Time passed so quickly being with him, because he makes me laugh...most of the time. Though our future remains uncertain, but one thing is for sure, I am grateful to have him as my friend, my family, my beloved, my everything... EVERYTHING.

HAPPY 2nd ANNIVERSARY!!!