The Mistress : How Easy It Is

Do you know how easy it is to be the other woman? The side chick? I recently had a chance to view it in that perspective. Before anyone starts bashing me, I didn't do anything. Please read on.

Since last year, I've met one of my clan members face-to-face (clan as in Clash of Clans) when he asked me out for a game of pool. Thereafter, due to common interests, we hung out together quite frequently, almost everyday if he wasn't working. I didn't know he had a girlfriend at that point of time. Everytime I asked him, he denied and insists that he was single. Although I didn't have any feelings for him, I definitely do not want to come between anyone's boyfriend/husband.

He was outgoing, funny and I find it particularly easy talking to him about anything and everything. We went futsal, swimming, badminton, road trips, movies, clubs, bars and I absolutely loved the way he drove. I realised how alike we were. He is like the male version of me.

Fast-forward to when I found out he had a girlfriend. Because one of his friend said something which caught my attention. In which I gave him a last chance to confess or never speak to me again. Knowing how much I hate being lied to, he confessed because he didn't want to ruin our friendship.

From time to time, he would complain to me about his girlfriend.

"I worked late. I was tired, I was having a fever and she woke me up because I was snoring."

"She hated my grandmother. She complained about her and even argued with her."

"She was talking to other guys. How would I know if she was cheating?"

"She is complaining about my sister."

"Whenever we go out, she wants to go home and sleep early. I always had to send her home and then go back out."

"I really can't stand her mouth!"

Then I realised, how easy it was to manipulate their relationship. All I had to do was agree with whatever he said.

"She is so wicked! Doesn't she love you? And you were sick! How inconsiderate!"

"How disrespectful! Afterall, that is your grandmother! Even if she doesn't agree, she should have kept quiet."

"Sounds really dodgy. She shouldn't do that when she has a boyfriend. Are you invisible or what?"

"She should learn to give way to your sister since your sister is much younger. Shouldn't be so calculative."

"She doesn't give you face infront of your friends. That would probably make your friends think that you're scared of her, huh?"

It. Was. That. Easy.

I could have pointed a finger and he would just leave her.



But I didn't. Because I know how it felt to be on the other side. Whenever he complained about her, I would blame him instead. Because he wasn't giving her security. He wasn't spending time with her. Because he was selfish. Because he couldn't see what she was sacrificing. To the point that he stopped complaining about her to me.

When a relationship has passed the honeymoon phase, it will get comfortable, it will get boring. Because you've known so much about that person that you hardly ever have anything new to learn or to talk about. Everything feels like a routine. Every little thing she asks of you feels like a heavy burden.



Until that someone new comes along. Everything thing about your girlfriend becomes annoying, but you find it cute on that someone new. Everything is like a burden when it is for your girlfriend but you'd feel happy doing it for that someone new. When your girlfriend is angry, it pisses you off. When that someone new is angry, you try hard to make her smile. Seeing your girlfriend everyday is routine, but not seeing that someone new everyday makes you heart sick.

Well, people always say, "New is always better."

Until your girlfriend leaves. You will realised that your girlfriend WAS, and USED TO BE that someone new. Someone who is cute and you tried everything to make her smile everyday but over time, it got boring. Your girlfriend who sacrificed her time, her youth, her everything when she made you- her everything. You will realise that she was there when you had nothing to offer. And she was the one that will ever really love you.

Congratulations! You lost the only precious thing that money cannot buy- her love. No one will love you as much as she does. Congratulations on pursuing something new. Which will, in time, turn into a routine once again. Let me enlighten you, that someone new who accepted your pursues despite knowing you had a girlfriend, shows the kind of person she. And usually, she will not hesitate to upgrade to someone better. Someone, well, less boring.

 

Is It Worth It?

Last week, a friend of mine told me about his problems. Funny, I found it ironic that someone would come for me for advice considering what a mess I am in. But then again, I am unsure if this is normal for guys or its a guy thing.

My friend asks me about, what do you think about "Love"? 

And since I have been talking about unconditional love lately, that was the exact same thing I told him. Love does not just disappear. You may "like" that person and once that person changes, the "like" may disappear. But it is not the case for "Love". There is no reason for "Love". It is just there. 

Even a woman in an abusive relationship may leave her husband, but the "love" may never disappear. It may turn into "Hate" but that is because "Love" is still there. If "love" is not there, there is no "hate", just an empty feeling, nothingness. 

And his response was, "I don't miss her. At all. I just want to break up with her". Immediately, I responded, "That is the easiest way out. Running away from everything. And the most cowardly".

Apparently, his trust for his girlfriend was broken when he caught her texting another guy. When he confronted her, she deleted the messages instead of showing it to him and/or explaining that they were just friends. He realised that he could no longer trust her. 

My advice to him was to take a break and think everything thoroughly. Because of his suppressed anger inside (although he kept denying and saying that he doesn't feel anything), but anger clouds our judgment. We kept telling ourselves that we don't feel anything, this is the end of it because we are all humans and we are afraid of getting hurt. 

Throughout our entire conversation, he kept telling me that he doesn't love her, he cares about her but he doesn't love her anymore. I asked him, "Were you happy with her? Since this is your first girlfriend after being single for 7-8 years?". He nodded.

I asked, "Is that not worth fighting for?". He kept silent.

Today, he thanked me for my advice, and that is the satisfaction I get from helping other people. Most people gives advice not knowing the other side of the story. Most people don't even know the full picture.

#1

#2

I know, you MAY have been in the same situation. But with 7 billion people in the world, I assure you, there is no 2 person in the world who could be exactly alike. Not even twins. How could you advise based on your own experience when other people are in a different relationship?


"Nothing easy is ever worth having. Something worth having, is never easy"

His Point of View (It is the End)

When it began, it was hard for him. Having to deal with someone like me. Despite the countless times I rejected him, he never gave up. He kept pursuing me and won me over with his sincerity and a cheesy line, "I want to give you flowers and hold your hand, I don't want to regret like Bruno Mars".

Fast forward 3 years later. 

The kareshi. Or I say, the ex-kareshi, couldn't find a place in his heart for me. I recalled everything he said. It hurt so bad, I thought I was going to die. 

His point of view:

When I fell in love with you, you were so strong. So much more stronger than I am. When the doors spoiled, I couldn't fix them, but you could. When I couldn't lift certain things, you could. But over the years, you've changed. You rely entirely on me. You weren't the same when I fell in love with you. 

You used to wear high heels. Really beautiful. And you no longer wear them now. You have changed. 

And about us. I used to want to hold your hand, you didn't let me. When you got mad, I hugged you, you pushed me away. Thereafter, we got so used to the silence. Sometimes 3 days. Sometimes a week. And I didn't say anything. I couldn't. Because I remembered 3 years ago, when you haven't accepted me as your boyfriend. I got angry, and you just walked away. You left the shoes I picked for you and you walked away. I couldn't forget that. I was scared of losing you and scared that you would walk away again. At that time, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't work and I couldn't function. I can't go through that again. Furthermore, I am now in a way different position in my company than 3 years ago. I can't afford to let that happen. There are many people relying on me.

Whenever we go on a vacation, we are not happy. Somehow, little things would make you angry and we are in silence once again. Whenever I see other couples, if they go on a vacation, they are happy. But we are not. This is not the life I wanted. I am sorry I have wasted your 3 years. But I think that it is best if we remained friends.

The end of his point of view.

*****************************************************************

Our relationship started off one-sided. Where he was deeply in love with me, and I wasn't. I didn't want love. I didn't want a relationship. I was unfair to him. Although I never speak of bad things about him but only of good things about him outside, I have never said good things to him, only bad. 

I was good to him, but I was abusive to him, emotionally. Over the years, he has gotten used to the cold treatment I gave him and eventually his love for me died.

But for me, over the years, I have learned to love him. Despite his many flaws and weaknesses, I loved him. Unconditionally. Eventhough he is forgetful, lazy, or just too overwhelmed with all the games instead of spending time with me, I loved him. Even when I am angry with him, I loved him. There was not one moment where I have stopped loving him. 

Because love is supposed to be unconditional. With no reason. With no fail. And it should have been infinite. Because although people changed everyday, situations change all the time and even the world is changing everyday. The love should have always been the same.

It is true, there should have been a reason to spark an interest, to like someone. But there should not have a reason why you love someone. 

Despite me letting go my ego (in which, I normally wouldn't because I am a very stubborn and prideful person where I would let the fire burn me and never yell for help), I asked him to reconsider. Our 3 years together is not nothing. When there is up, of course there is down. There is no happy all the time. This is Newton's third law. And of course, you wouldn't get to see other couple's unhappy moments because those were supposed to be private, only those couples would know what are the problems in their relationship. But that was the end of it all. It was his decision. 

Despite all that has happened these days, I have not found a moment were my heart has stopped loving him. Unconditionally.